“That’s not what love should be”: The story of a domestic violence survivor

At 16, Annabelle thought she’d found love. What she didn’t realise was that she was stepping into the same cycle of control and violence she’d experienced growing up.

The Colac woman, whose name has been changed by the Brolga, is a survivor of domestic violence who now speaks out to help others recognise the signs of abuse.

She says her experiences as a child shaped her understanding of what love looked like, and what she thought she deserved. 

Physical abuse, screaming, insults and belittling became, in her words, “the blueprint” for her future relationships.

“Witnessing my father’s behaviour and treatment towards myself gave me the blueprint to what I thought I deserved in relationships growing up,” she said. 

“That wasn’t nice, it wasn’t gentle, and it wasn’t what love should be.”

That pattern followed her into her teenage years.

“My first relationship, I was 16 when I was first with my ex-partner, and I was with him for five years,” she said. 

“We moved out when we were only 16; I didn’t have a massive family support. As the relationship went on, it was emotionally and verbally abusive, as well as physically abusive. And again, I just thought that’s something that you just put up with.”

She said it took her “a few years even after leaving the relationship”, reflecting and going to therapy, to realise “a lot of things that happened weren’t okay”.

“I think that’s the reality for a lot of women and men in these relationships - you don’t realise it while you’re in it, or even when you’ve gotten out of it, that it was abuse.”

Annabelle said one of the hardest parts for her was releasing the image of who she thought her partner could be - an idea that didn’t match reality - and accepting that he would never change.

“You’ve got your rose-coloured glasses on, waiting for the potential of that person,” she said. “And that’s all it is, really, potential, when it comes to perpetrators of violence.”

She believes breaking the cycle starts at home, with what children learn about love.

“As parents, you’re their first idea of what a relationship is and what love is,” she said. “I think that’s a reality for not just little girls out there, but boys as well, they’re being modelled from such a young age that that’s what love is going to be.”

If you or someone you know is experiencing family violence, help is available 24/7 by calling 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

In Western Victoria, Meli, Sexual Assault and Family Violence Centre, Emma House, Orange Door, and Child and Family Services Ballarat are also available to provide resources and support.